Marla Sokoloff’s Blog: No … I Really Mean It

Aside from being adorable, Eliotte sounds like quite the decisive kiddo! And you sound like a great mom, Marla!

I’m glad to hear that on the issue of the dog food you are putting the dog before the baby. At some point, kids need to learn that while they may be the center of their parents’ world, they don’t run the world. My mom always told me one of the best things you could ever teach a child is consideration. She made sure to instill it in us, and I thank her for it. It’s great for Eliotte to learn that she should respect her furry sister. Good work! 🙂

I don’t usually comment on here, but I have to share a tip another mom gave me that completely surprised me by working. I give my son a “discard bowl” with his meal. When he throws or starts to throw something I point to the bowl and say something like “Put it in here” or “No, put it in here” and holy moly, he does! He ends up usually fishing the food back out of the discard bowl at some point in the meal and actually eating the food, but either way it has almost eliminated the food throwing.

If he does throw food still, the meal is over but I don’t put him down. That would teach him to throw food when he’s tired of sitting at the table. I simply take his food away and he can sit there and throw a fit while we finish eating. Of course we would eat very quickly just to make the point. Then everyone leaves the table at the same time. This is totally working so I had to share. Be prepared, she might dump the bowl out on the table in front of her as it fills up. We are okay with that and my son will just refill it or whatever. Good luck!!

I have a 19-month-old that sounds very much like yours. We use “No” quite frequently, but also make it a point to make it “softer”, so to speak. As in, instead of saying “No climbing on the table”, we say “The table is for eating, no climbing”. It seems to have worked for us somewhat.

Also, have you tried just sitting on the side of the tub with your legs in and have her stand between your legs? That’s what I used to do with my toddler when she first started standing on the tub.

As for being a picky eater, I’m with you on that one. My daughter has only a handful of things she consistently eats. Long-gone are the days when she would wolf down a plate of grilled zucchini or shaved raw carrots.

In my opinion, just telling a child no does not work. You need to reinforce the “no” with a consequence. When my daughter does something I don’t like, I tell her no in a calm voice and then give her a spank with a rod on her hand or her bottom. She learns real quick that when she does something bad that she will get spanked and learns not to do it.

It has worked great with my oldest daughter and the training has begun with my youngest.

Virginia, I hope there comes a day when your children are big enough to beat you down with a rod. You are one of the worst parents I have ever heard of and can’t fathom why you were allowed to have children. Absolutely disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your poor children.

I enjoyed this post a lot. Another great tip I’ve gotten is to speak in the affirmative. “Please just look at the dog food, don’t touch.” You tell the child what they can do, instead of just what they can’t. 🙂

Virginia, you make me want to vomit.

Marla, I love the idea of the non-negotiable Nos. Another thing you can try is to phrase everything in a positive way…”Leave the dog food alone”, “Sit down in the tub”, “Leave the food on the tray”.

Don’t use TOO many words, but using this technique will actually teach the child a lesson about what is and is not acceptable behavior.

After one or two reminders about throwing food, I would just cheerfully smile and say “You must be all done!” and then just put the child down and finish my meal.

Have you ever heard the phrase “Honor the impulse”? Example: Elliotte wants to play in the dog’s water bowl, instead you put her in the backyard with a bucket of water and some cups for pouring. My friend had a kid who loved to spit, but he would do it at the most inappropriate times. Solution? Give him a paper cup before going into the bank and let him spit his brains out in the car. Problem solved.

I also love the concept of creating a “Yes environment”. Put away the breakable heirlooms, install safety gates, and let the little ones just be. It’s a short enough stage and then they eventually learn self-control. It also helps to have a good grasp of what is age-appropriate behavior.

Whatever you do, please do not hit your child with a rod! Yikes!

Virginia, your kids are not learning what they shouldn’t do, they are learning to be scared of punishment.

My little guy is 19-months-old and I find that when he’s starting to get full from a meal, he’ll being to play with, and subsequently, throw his food. We’re now better about seeing his signs and stepping in before the entire meal goes on the floor 🙂

As for saying “no,” our kiddo is curious, independent and easily-frustrated. I try my hardest to save saying no for the dangerous stuff (reaching for something hot), and otherwise redirect him (climbing the couch). I don’t want the word “no” to become background noise to him…however he does a good job of saying it to me and my husband regularly!

we went with distraction instead of “no”. want to play with the stereo knobs again? hey, look! i have your favorite pans for banging, but you can only play with them if you leave the stereo!

or, if what he was attempting wasn’t so dangerous (crawling under the coffee table again?) ,we’d let him do it, get stuck, whine about it and tell him to work it out himself. he learned to leave the coffee table alone.

the kid was never that into throwing food. i nipped the “uh oh” game early on (where he’d drop stuff on the floor and well-meaning visitors, who thought it was cute, would say “uh oh!” and give it back). not in our house. if something is thrown down, it means you don’t want it and you don’t get it back. as he would look down for whatever he’d thrown, i’d just matter of factly look him in the eye and say, “You didn’t want that? Why didn’t you tell Aunty?” and leave it there. he threw food a couple of times and getting the same reaction, quickly stopped. plus, that boy liked to eat, so it was rare there was anything left to throw.

i ended up hardly ever saying so, so when i would, he’d snatch his little hand back so fast! and look at me with the big eyes. of course, if i had to say it, i would also use what we came to call TONE: i’m one of those folks who can make my voice hard and distinct from my normal voice so that even rebellious strangers’ kids listen to me. if i switched to TONE, he’d immediately do whatever i’d said. no yelling, just TONE. so get your tough mommy voice on, let her know that you *really* mean business! she’ll know. 😀

the other suggestions (other than spanking) are really excellent! i never thought of a “don’t like this” bowl. “giving into the impulse” SO SMART!

Hate to burst the bubble but guess what? You won’t damage your child by disciplining them and telling them no! And you don’t even have to pick a few things you are allowed to control and let your toddler run rampant. I remember being a mom of just toddlers and every decision seemed so darn important. Newsflash – you will make mistakes, your kids will make mistakes, you’ll all come out okay! Stop overthinking everything.

With our now 18 month old we use the saying, ” Not for Katie” when she gets into things that she shouldn’t. Like you, we save the “no’s” for bath time and for other safety issues. We agree the word no should be sparingly.

Such a great blog (as usual). Our nearly 2yr old Bug is a boundry pusher with a cheeky smile. We did something similar to the just chose 3 thing but we had a few more. Pet bowls were a biggie in our house, she was told No often and redirected but we also started encouraging her to help us saying things like “Thank you for helping pour the food, now we leave the bowls alone so cats can eat”. Now when we ask her to help she yells “Helper, helper, I get a bowls”. It seems to have worked with her.

We also try the more positive phrasing but somedays I find myself says no more than I would like. Raising decent human beings is hard work!!!

Virginia, flicking your young child on the cheek is horribly cruel, not to mention far beyond weird. I would be in tears if I did that to my little guy. You don’t have to act like Hilter to have kids who are well behaved or even to raise kids who love God. Do you really think that being harsh with them is going to turn their hearts toward Him?

And who really cares if everyone tells you how well behaved they are…………….Is parenting an awards show for you?

Stacey I don’t think Virginia is trying to win an award, she’s proving a point by telling people that how she is disciplining her kids is working! Kudos to you Virginia!

I found that, instead of constantly saying no, I praised him when he did well. That doesn’t mean I didn’t say no, I did, I just tried to praise him for doing good MORE than saying no. I also didn’t take orders. Discipline starts as soon as they can reach for things and crawl. Period. If I had to say NO (and he is placed somewhere that is a YES and stays then he gets smiles, happy face, positive remarks), and he didn’t listen, he has the three strike rule. If, after three No’sThe item was removed, with a sharp no, and he got frowny, disapproval, upset Mommy face. You’ll be surprised how well this works.

As for the food, one chance with that. If he wanted to feed himself, he had to feed himself not the floor or the walls. Or, food was taken away and Mommy fed him. Temper tantrums? Food sits on table, away from baby until baby stops crying and screaming, the feeding resumes. The absolute WORST thing you can do is, give in to a temper tantrum. Crying and screaming will not kill them. If they see it works and they get what they want, then you are in trouble and you did it to yourself. They are learning, they are watching, listening and seeing. Temper Tantrum + consistently not getting what they want and being ignored = no more temper tantrums. Temper Trantrum + Mommy/Daddy jumping up to do whatever it takes to stop the noise = more temper tantrums. Simple. Really it is. I walked all around TJ Maxx one day with my son, around 18 months old, screaming his head off bc he didn’t get to have a toy. I could have left, but that would teach him, if he doesn’t want to be somewhere, scream Mommy will leave. I am sorry ppl were annoyed, but I stayed away from areas were ppl were wandered around, on purpose, until the tantrum stopped. Then I purchased my items, minus a toy, and we left. The next time we were in there, I told him before we went in,” NO TOYS, understand?” He nodded his head yes, and we had no problems.

Another good point, never say OK to a child. They think you are asking for their opinion, like they have an option. Back to the TJ Maxx visit, I told him “no toys, understand?”, instead of “no toys, ok?” that’s a confusing statement because ok is like a yes or no question. For instance, “Let’s put these toys up, ok”? He says “No, I’m playing with them.” To which I say, “oh, ok.” Remember, YOU are the MOMMMY, they are the child. They don’t know anything, it’s up to us to teach them. They can’t raise themselves, otherwise, there would be no Mommy’s!

Yeah…this is a cute concept and all but if I say no fifteen times a day, the answer is no all fifteen times. I’m not worried about getting tired of saying it, I’m getting my point across and quite frankly, repetition is key. I’m a mom of three and old school. Sorry.

My my, people are so fast to judge others! Leave Virginia alone- you aren’t there and shouldn’t judge. I didn’t see her telling the rest of you you’re too soft on your kids.

Moms should stick together and learn all the facts before judging.

*deep breath* Thanks for the cute articles, Marla! I love hearing about other moms struggles, since I have the same. I know that I’m not alone but it still helps to read it every once in a while!

You’re doing a great job! We handle our no’s in a similar fashion. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t, but we’re trying our best! My lo is one month older than your daughter and she tends to laugh when I say no. Not sure where to go with that one. Your daughter will love reading these blogs when she’s older! Keep up the good work momma!

I am right there with ya. Come talk to me and give me parenting advice when you really have to parent like the rest of us. What is alone time? 4 years and two kids later, I have completely forgotten what it is like

my parents theory is that “no” starts the moment you bring baby home – they’re both lovely fun people, but you knew no was no, it was said ONCE and not in a conversational way but in a firm no-nonsense staccato NO. If you whined then it was “no” to this cookie or lollipop and “no” the next time too! it sounds harsh but it wasn’t – you just knew the rules – no was no. it also meant we didn’t whine and my mother swears we never had a tantrum – we weren’t exceptional kids, it was just so much easier to be good! we tease my father that there is a sound – sort of a clipped `oh-oh’ – that he used to make when we were doing something wrong, to this day when i hear it i FREEZE in my tracks! i also used the sound to train my dog, and she responds perfectly. 🙂

To clarify- by saying you do not need to “physically discipline” I mean you do not need to inflict physical pain to your child in order to gain their obediance. That is lazy and pathetic parenting. And I bet if you disagreed someone could inflict pain on you until you agreed. Sound familiar? Enjoy her blogs. They kick butt. If you want to give instructions on how to spank or pop or flick your babies in their face….find another platform. Marla, love your blogs! You are an amazing mom. Keep it up please.

I don’t have children yet, but as a child raised with the occasional spanking, I think as long as its not overused/abused– it is a very effective method to discipline children. My parents spanked us maybe 5 times when I was growing up for serious offenses and I learned my lesson quickly. People are so afraid to spank children nowadays and this has led to a lot of spoiled, rotten children running around with no real parental respect or consideration for others.

Who knew food being thrown would be such a button pusher. Drives me crazy. I read and started using the idea of telling my 13mos old to put the food she doesn’t like in the cup holder of the tray. Works about half the time. She seems to throw food when I am not with her (like getting something in the kitchen..) and uses it to get attention. I don’t respond when she does that and pick it up at the end of the meal. I too can relate to the standing up in the bathtub habit…they should make a giant foam bathtub insert. 🙂

My mom flicked me a few times growing up. We also got spanked several times over the years too. I’m 25 now guys and I’m just fine! I was not being “abused,” I don’t hate my parents, I’m a law-abiding citizen with a bachelors degree…if you don’t want to spank your child, don’t. But there is a HUGE difference between beating your child and swatting him on the butt once in a blue moon. Finally, as Virginia’s children, my sisters and me were VERY well behaved in public and my parents very rarely had to spank us twice for the same thing. Spankings happened maybe once every few months for major offenses. Why are moms so hateful to other moms anyhow?

My kids were both easy toddlers. No tantrums, no difficult behavior. So I tended to be not the world’s most consistent or firm mom, because I didn’t need to be. Now it’s coming back to bite me. My easy going son has become a challenging pre-teen and my easy-breezy daughter is quite the dramatic 7-year-old. So your work now to become a taken-seriously mom will pay dividends in the future!

As for not saying no too much … eh. I think this is a bit of the over-thinking mom psychology that surrounds us these days, While I agree that you need to be careful of saying no to everything (my son sometimes says that he can’t do ANYTHING right and we’re ALWAYS mad at him – so I’m trying to monitor my approach better), nevertheless a kid hearing “No – don’t do that” is not psyche hearing. They are going to hear no a lot as an adult, they’ll learn to cope with it. In general, I find a good one-line reprimand the most effective. “We do not touch the dog’s food.” or “Sit down in the tub.”

What works for one child is not going to work for all. Much of the discipline decisions need to take into consideration the individual child. My little boy, whom I adore, needs nos. he is wild and willful, and honestly, there is no way I can guide him right now because he doesn’t understand enough — but he gets no.

I think parents tend to overanalyze everything – just go with what works for you and the kids.

We personally discipline our children by taking away privileges but they are older than toddlers now. I honestly cannot remember how I always disciplined when they were that young, they did have quiet time and then we would talk about it (keeping it short & sweet). But I also know the biggest thing is to be positive…I have seen a couple of other people say it too 🙂 Instead of saying “no don’t throw your food”, say “food belongs on your plate, it stays on here (and point)” or instead of saying “no eating the dogs food” saying “that’s for the doggie, your food is on your plate, doggie food is yucky for you” and of course safety things like the bathtub “we sit in the bathtub, if you stand you can get hurt” and always when they listen “you did a good job keeping your food on your plate, or sitting in the tub”. 🙂 My kids are no angels but they understand boundaries & we explain most of the time why they cant do something. You are doing a great job!! And to all you other moms: Good job!!! Being a mommy is sometimes hard work, but its the best “job” ever 🙂

Every parent is different, and we really shouldn’t judge others. However you choose to discipline your child is your choice. If you think talking it out with your child works for you, then great, go for it! If a parent chooses to spank their child, there is nothing wrong with that either. There is a difference between spanking and beating/abusing, we all know that. My parents spanked us and it worked and we did not feel abused. We didn’t grow up feeling like we had a bad childhood. Spanking (not beating ) is not a bad thing, so please don’t make others try and feel bad about it. I know this world is different than the world our parents lived in, doesn’t mean the “old ways” wont still work.

I am a Mom of 18 and 15 year children. Way back when, I choose not to say “NO” to my children unless it was an emergency like they were going to get burned, crushed and the like. I however did not choose to distract or ignore, instead I changed the word and then told my children why or the outcome of what would happen. Kind of like action-reaction. Children do things to get a reaction so this works well. I would use the sound “ah ah ahhh” and then tell them “hurts the baby” then tell them why, like “hot” or “yucky” or ” be nice” or “easy”. Then I would physically show them what these adjectives were like and example. This worked great for me and my children and my children never told me “NO” and they totally had an understanding of the situations. I love the don’t say no concept. kuddos and was so happy to see this on Good Morning America!

As a infant-toddler teacher (I have 10 one year olds), this is my class every day.
We have certain NOs – all related to how we relate to other kids and safety…. but it is always followed by a positive.
EX – No hitting, we use gentle touches
EX – NO climbing on the table, feet stay on the floor/if you want to climb do it in the pit

The way I explain it to parents is this.
No hitting = Don’t think about the purple elephant.
If I tell you don’t think about the purple elephant, what is the first thing that pops into your head – a purple elephant. Your child may not have been thinking about hitting at all, they may have been thinking – ‘lemme get that toy!” or “hey, pay attention!” but now by saying “no hitting” the only thing you’ve done is HIT into their heads.
So… if instead, you say “Gentle touches” all you are doing is saying “Yes, I notice you, here is what I want you to do.” You aren’t introducing an inappropriate action into their heads.

So yes, we do use “NO!” for immediate use and to state there are wrong things, but for the majority, it’s all redirect and positive guidance.

It works for me and my classroom. Until August when I get a whole new set of kiddos and try to figure out what works for them!

Our now 18 yr old had a issue with keeping feet on the floor and booty in the seat as a toddler. His clothes staying on were also a real issue. We worried we would have to visit a nudist colony to see him as a adult. Fortunately we made it thru the beautiful craziness.

Be their parent, protector, guide but always remember they are learning just like you.

Be firm and consistent with whatever message you choose. That has worked for us and continues to work for us as we prepare to send him off to college to learn to be a school teacher. Who new two people could be lucky enough to shape a beautiful young man into (prayers daily for this) a strong man, husband, and his ultimate dream of being a parent like the ones he has.

So blessed and lucky.

Enjoy every day and minute…… it is gone too fast.

@Stacey, are you really, seriously, comparing Virginia to Hitler? You’re insane.

That coat. I’m dying! Makes her even cuter.

My daughter Alaina went through a big “No” phase when she was about that age. She told me no about EVERYTHING! The good news is that has mostly gone away now…she just turned 2. But of course the terrible twos are hitting our household and instead of saying no to everything she skips straight to the full on screaming tantrum when she doesn’t like something. I guess we just have to wait out all of these crazy phases and do the best we can! Good luck…she is a cutie which is probably helpful to her when she is throwing these crazy fits!