Jillian Michaels: Adoption ‘An Incredibly Long Process’

Why the Congo or any place other than USA. We have many children who need moms and homes right here in the States.

So happy for her! She is one of the most wonderful people out there, and you can tell, just by the way she cares about the contestants on the biggest loser! It takes an exceptional person to be able to do what she does every day. I am sure she will be a fabulous mother, and I can’t wait to see her with a child. I hope it happens quickly for her!

Good luck to her, I hope all goes well.

I agree with Anonymous and Nancy. I would also like to add that the treatment of unadopted children in other countries is so much worse than it is here. Here, pregnant girls who wish to put the baby up for adoption will often select a family before the birth. Others are put into foster care, with a family environment. This is not the case in countries in Africa, China and Eastern Europe.

However, orphanages in other parts of the world are AWFUL. Look up pictures of baby houses in Eastern Europe, or orphanages in China and Africa, even parts of South America. It isn’t pretty. There is no room in many of these orphanages and they are often very crowded, sometimes with more than one baby per crib. In the poorest ones, they are barely fed because there are not enough nurses or enough money to feed them. Kids with special needs are put into institutions around their 5th birthday (particularly in Eastern Europe) and they don’t really get an education.

All that being said, I can see why someone would want to adopt a child from another country, where they have less of a chance.

I wish Jillian much luck. She ‘seems’ like such a good and genuine person. Yes, you’ll see the bad*ss side of her on Biggest Loser, but if you really look, she has such empathy for the contestants. I think she is ready for this next step in her life. I’m glad she will join The Doctors – hopefully ON camera and not behind.

I’m happy for her. I got adopted from Romania by an American family when I was 18 months old, so of course I think international adoption is great. Unfortunately, though, my adoptive mother died of pancreatic cancer when I was 10 years old and I loved her so much. I still am not over her death and it’s been 16 years. 😦

Well said Anonymous. Darla, I’m sorry for your loss, I wish you all the best. xo

My husband and I are in the process of adopting from overseas. We made the decision when my bio son was 5 months old, and it just seemed like the right thing to do. We’ve been in the process for just under 2 years, and have been given the information about an adorable little girl, and we were thrilled. We were told she would come home in april, but were told in March that the country was shutting down adoption, but that we would be OK. The adoption has been delayed and delayed, and is still up in the air. It’s very scary what will happen to her if she can’t come to us, but we’ve been praying daily and have faith. I wish Jillian all the luck as well, and can totally relate to the scariness and uncertainty of the whole thing.

I adopted my son domestically through private adoption and it only took 3 months to get him from the day we signed up. Adopting in the USA doesn’t only happen through foster care, that is just the free way of doing it.

I am moved by these stories!

I love hearing stories of people who have adopted! I think its such a beautiful thing to do.

This makes me so mad! There are so many unwanted children around the world, why do they make it so difficult for people who really want them?

We have been going thru domestic adoption since October 2009……..still no baby. I applaud her for going elsewhere. It is not as easy as it may seem and is the most frustrating, expensive and disheartening process in the whole world. It is no wonder our country is failing when it comes to children!

Oh..and another plus – adopting through social services is usually FREE, so people who think you can not afford to adopt a child – yes, you can!

Congratulations to Jillian. As a single mom who adopted, I get what she’s feeling. And it doesn’t matter where she adopts from. Adoptive parents decide to adopt a particular place and a particular way because that’s where their child is. You investigate all sorts of ways and something draws you to a particular place.

I adopted from foster care in the state of Florida and adopted a beautiful 9 month old baby boy. He is now 9 years old. Its amazing thing.

Don’t these celebrities realize how many children are in the USA looking for forever homes? It’s great they want to adopt, but look closer to home, please. I adopted twice and have never regretted it.

So happy for Jillian. She is at a very vulnerable stage in the process that most folks keep quiet and never talk about. Especially celebrities. I applaud her strength in sharing the entire process and increasing the awareness of adoption and the process.

I have spoken with many other families who have adopted, both US and international – the wait times are all over the place, ranging from one month to 4 years. Adoption is a long hard process but at the end of it all, you’ll see that it’s worth every tear.

@annoyed – Hang in there. A quote that held us over…”Your baby will find you.” Have faith and just keep repeating that to yourself. It’ll happen. And no matter what shape, size, age or color that child is, it will be your child and you’ll love him/her more than you can imagine.

We also adopted domestically and were matched with our son 6 weeks after all of our paperwork was done and approved. He was born about 6 weeks after we were matched.

It wasn’t a hard process at all, and statistics actually show that a majority of domestic adoptions are done within 1 year. If you haven’t adopted or seriously looked into adopting, you probably have no idea what you’re talking about.

Good for Jillian! It has been the best experience of my life and one that we hope to do again.

I agree that it’s very sad that they make adoption such a lengthy process when they are wasting valuable time where a child’s personality is being developed, and could be doing so in a loving home. Not to be preachy, but ‘whatsoever you do to the least of My people, that you do unto Me.’ Not necessarily your own people (American) but ‘My’ people. I think it’s a beautiful thing she’s doing and I hope it goes well for her and the child’s sake!

I find that people who question why someone would adopt from a foreign country instead of domestically has never adopted before, nor have they been fosterparents. My wife and I have done both, foreign and domestic. Everyone should become foster parents and open their homes to a child who needs some love. It does not cost and if you adopt through fostercare the expense is usually picked up by the county, but that might be different depending on where you live.

WHo the hell would give her a kid? Shes mean and rude and disrespectful

Nancy,

Why is Terri’s comment “ignorant?” Because she didn’t agree with you?

That is why this is America; people have an opinion and can state it. Doesn’t mean they are right and doesn’t mean you are wrong. I happen to agree with her; that doesn’t make me ignorant, it means I have an opinion. Get off your high horse!

“Everyone would rather get an abortion then give their kids up for adoption”

You say that like its a bad thing, Kris. Carrying a child for 9 months and then giving it up for adoption is not a physically or emotionally easy task.

– Darla on May 11th, 2011

Darla-carrying a child for 9 months and giving it up for adoption is not an easy task. You are correct there. But killing an innocent life, verses giving that baby up for adoption is a not a bad thing either? I beg to differ. That unborn child has JUST as much right to live as any other human being on the earth. You make it sound like having an abortion is an easy decision to make. I have 5 children, and abortion NEVER entered my mind. I would much rather deal with the emotions of having to give up a child for adoption, than to kill that child, because it wasn’t wanted. That’s not right.

A child is a child. No matter where they happened to be born. ALL children are worthy of a family. I have a beautiful son who just happened to be born in Korea. He was meant to be my son before I was even created!

Why do people feel it’s their job to tell other people how they should go about forming their family. Lets just be supportive of adoption and those going through it and not judging others on how they become a family. The point is, a child will no longer be an orphan. And if certain people feel so strongly about only adopting from the US than I encourage you to do that. But, let others do what they are called to do without the judgement. It’s about the child here, not where they happened to be born.

Congratulations to Jillian!

Why does it matter from where the child is adopted? A child needs a loving home, so geography is pretty unimportant. All things are challenging, but judging a person because they are opening their arms to someone that needs a home is ridiculous.

As I have told many people regarding my own expierence with domestic and international, “I want a child, not the whole family.”

I was a foster mom for 3 years to a beautiful boy and then his great-grandmother decided she wanted him and he left my stable home for hers. The DHS worker said ‘You are not blood, she is.’ And even if his adoption went through, I would be required to keep in contact with his dysfunctional family.

In Russia, China, and I assume Congo, these countries cannot provide for their orphans and are thankful someone is willing to provide them a better place. That is why we chose the international route.

We have adopted domestically thru Foster Care and have friends that have adopted both privately in the US and internationally from Russia, Guatemala and China. All of these kids needed a home and have completed our families.

I don’t fault anyone who adopts from anywhere. All children do need love and homes no matter where they start out. It is always tough to figure out who is more blessed-the child or the adoptive parents! Way to go Jillian on your decision to adopt! 😀

Also keep in mind that JM is a single woman. It is incredibly difficult for single parents to adopt both domestically and abroad. My step mother adopted from ethiopia 3 years ago and one of the reasons she chose to adopt from there is that there were only 3 countries that would even consider single parents at the time.

Domestically children are often considered better to be in a two parent foster home than a single parent “forever” home. which i think is very sad.

I think it is great that she is adopting from the Congo. Those children need homes just like any other. Maybe even more so. We at least have regulations on how children are supposed to be treated in foster care. Maybe if they didn’t make it so expensive and complicated to adopt from the US, more people would do it. Everyone tries to make a buck off of everything. Any crackhead child abuser can give birth and take a baby home, but people that want children, the ones that plan on having them, and are ready, have to have thousands of dollars and jump through hoops. It’s asinine.

Foster care isn’t the route to go if you want a healthy newborn to adopt. You do it because you love kids and want to help them. If you do get to adopt, that is just a bonus.

We fostered a baby girl who was born to a drug addicted mother. Her first five weeks she was in the hospital detoxing. We took her home from the hospital and had her 6 months. When you foster if you don’t have the child at least 12 months and a relative of the birth parent comes foward, they have first rights to that child in most cases. They have to be “cleared” of course.

In our case, the cousin did not know of the baby until several months had passed since the birth mom was estranged from the family. So, she had a valid right to the baby.

The good news is that one year later a beautiful healthy 16 month old boy was placed with us. His birth parents brought him into foster care at 1 month old. Amazingly, he is healthy. Fifteen months later, their rights were terminated and he was freed for adoption. The foster mom loves him so but at 50 feels she is too old to start over. We transitioned him to our family and are waiting for the adoption to finalize. We have 3 biological children so this would not have been the route we would have taken if we wanted to be “guaranteed” a child. Fost/adopt is a process but if you can do it, miracles can happen!

No one has mentioned this yet because I guess in America the needs of people to want to parent exceeds other thoughts but what about any international child’s historic and ethnic identity. There is documented evidence that many children adopted outside of their race suffer psychological damage due to lack of identity and also due to many people’s subconscious need to racial compare (and often disparage) not understanding their adopted child DOES know what race/color they are and will internalize what is said.

Case in point is Obama. Though his mother was white and his grandmother raised him and he loved her–he remembers the horrible things she said and thought about black men and he also recognized that her thoughts might be mirrored by other whites and that HE also was a black man and for those who did not know him–he would be thought of in the same way and treated in the same way as other blacks since he did not have a way to show he was a “different black” due to a white mother.

The fact is, people think babies are babies and love is enough–it is not–there are a lot of factors that slow down adoptions including sexual orientation, racial make up of the adoptive parents and the adoptee and the potential for pedophiles to adopt and abuse children.

To be on the safe side, what must always be considered is what will the child’s life be like–I have two very good friends both who were adopted outside of their race–both talk about the horrible things said in their families about their race–one internalized it and thinks in the way she was raised (and consequently hates or self criticizes herself too) the other came to resent her adoptive family and as a grown up refuses to associate with them.

When I see a person seeking children from other countries–I wonder if it is for novelty, or ease or the fact that the family of the child cannot easily get to the states to establish contact with the child. In countries like the Congo, all babies in orphanages are not freely given up–there are cases of child abduction or lying to the parents, who think someone is offering to care for their babies but do NOT realize that they give up all rights to their child and will probably never see them again.

I think this process should take as long as it needs to –in order to ensure the adoptive parent has the right intentions and that the adoptive parent also recognizes and RESPECTS the necessity of racial identity and has made plans to address these issues. Because no matter how people wish to believe color or race is not an issue in this country it is–and all cute babies grow up to be just like everyone else and deal with everyone else–and unlike perhaps the nurturing environment in their adoptive homes, many will face very ugly situations as others try to demarcate or establish racial superiority–and it ALWAYS HAPPENS.

As a member of a family with several race/ethnicities I can assure you that outside of this family–there are many negative racial issues directed at us–and not all are from one group or race either.

Bridge, I worked in foster care for 5 years. Foster care is, by and large, damaging to children (NOT all, but many). Just because there are “regulations” does not mean the regulations are properly enforced. States are completely bogged down with cash shortages, staff shortages, and they cannot, and do not, properly monitor all their homes. Children are abused in foster care FREQUENTLY.

That being said, it IS important for people to keep in mind that there are many children in this country who need homes. Yes, it’s bureaucratic, and yes, not as easy to adopt a healthy infant who is your same color (someone did post that many people want children who look like them, again NOT ALL people are like this). We don’t know everything there is to know about international adoption; that process is full of corruption and dishonesty too, and is often a money-making enterprise.

You are right, Bridge, that it’s ridiculous that adoption (except through foster care) essentially requires people to spend thousands of dollars. And who is left behind by the fact that both domestic private AND international agencies have made adoption into a money-making enterprise? The older, special needs, “difficult to place” children in the US foster care system. They ARE being left behind, whether or not people here think “any child is a child in need and anyone who adopts should be praised.”

I don’t care one bit that Jillian is adopting from the Congo. But she, like Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie and Madonna, are doing that because they have money and can. Making adoption a profitable enterprise, domestic and international, only hurts the kids who aren’t perfect, and they didn’t ask for that.

I never knew Jillian did not want to have children because it would mess up her physique. Pretty sad. On the other hand, kids do need good parents so if she would be a great parent then….

Then again, we are reducing children to a product we can buy and sell like dogs or livestock and people are looking elsewhere to get the “best deal” or easiest transaction. These are babies not animals but there is something a bit questionable about people making a habit of buying from another country as a baby is an exotic or if they buy an African or black baby from another country it will be viewed differently than the local black kids (Yes, I have heard it said many times–that the African people/babies are different than American blacks).

As for the remark about not wanting to buy an older child due to problems and abuse histories–to the person that was annoyed–the answer is simple–when people BUY an item, they do not want it damaged–when humans are transacted and treated like goods–you will find those with money to purchase them will want good teeth, good histories, etc. That is human nature.

I find it ironic that those who are for this kind of adoption are probably people who think slavery was horrible–but understand that when buying slaves, most slave owners really thought they were ‘rescuing those savages” and that by providing food and shelter in exchange for work they were giving them a better life.

then again, the other side of this are babies with no one to love them in a ‘forever home’ it really is a dilemma.

I hope Jillian wants to parent for all the right reasons. Madonna and Angelina are not the first to have human/baby menageries–Josephine Baker did it also and Joan Crawford had her adopted babies and the kids from both homes spoke of the horrors they went through when the curtains fell, the ideal wore off and each parent was faced with still being in charge of these kids from everywhere.

I pray she is doing this for the right reasons and not to join the ranks of Madonna and others, who are collecting children like some people collect china or dolls.

As someone who has gone to the DRC, I am glad to hear that Jillian Michaels is adopting a child from the Congo. There are so many children who are abandoned by their parents. You see children raising children. There is no social services or foster care in these countries. It is a blessing what she is doing.

Oh, PS though – those who have commented here that they did adopt from foster care and on the challenges of going through that – I know you’re right. It’s shameful how difficult the courts make it, and how after YEARS, biological relatives can come in and take a child away from people who have raised them. I was a part of that many times, and it broke my heart many times.

It IS difficult to adopt from foster care in the US, so really I don’t judge people who choose not to. I don’t know if I would. BUT, we all just need to keep those children in our thoughts and prayers, and not get so caught up in how saintly or charitable people are when they adopt internationally. Most of the time that’s about filling the parents’ needs, not the kids.

Kris, where are you getting this information that it takes the average couple 7 years to adopt a child in the U.S.?

Currently I am working towards a newborn domestic child (no gender/race preference) and my husband and I are working with an agency that places children on an average of 6-12mo. and you often times are at the hospital for the birth. I personally know 3 couples who used this particular agency and all of these things were true for them.

I just really wonder when some haven’t gone through the system how they are finding these stats out? Do homework, people.

Making adoption a profitable enterprise, domestic and international, only hurts the kids who aren’t perfect, and they didn’t ask for that.

– Saralee on May 12th, 2011

this is very well said. I think that maybe NO MONEY should be permitted to be introduced into adoption save for paperwork processing and that should be internationally regulated and monitored.

When something becomes a money making enterprise it is subject to immense corruption, human trafficking, etc. I can understand the need of many women to be a mom ( I have 5 kids myself) but I can also empathize with a parent in a different country who wants a better life for my baby BUT does not want to never see their child again–and being fed LIES about the true adoption arrangement. (Many do not realize that their children will be adopted forever and that they are cutting all blood ties.

In Africa–blood line is EVERYTHING. People are disowned who marry or have kids outside of their tribe–much less outside their race.

Often, women take their children to an orphanage with every intention of getting the child back if times get better. They do this because they believe that at least in the orphanage their child will be fed and perhaps given health care–it is sort of a drop off day care–what they have no inkling of is a process that not only takes their children BUT does NOT allow them to ever get them back. Witness the dilemma of both Madonna and many who try to adopt from Haiti.

With so many Americans crossing the race barrier and adopting little African babies, there IS a market in child trafficking and babies ARE stolen to be handed over to waiting American arms. Now. We might want to justify that by saying we can give a baby a better life–but monetary or social benefits are only two aspects of life. There is the need for history–and community AND continuity that blood gives a child.

Many people in Africa would NEVER give their child away but would place their child in an extended family situation. Sometimes mothers are told this is what they are doing and they should consider the American adopting their child as a “god mother or god father” who will take care of their child and one day that child will return to them.

Of course this is a lie. Americans may not care about this–but in African culture–to disrupt blood lines can be a taboo. The point is this: The time it takes may also be to ensure the adoption is legit, that the parent knows the child will be going to another country and will probably never know them personally or come back to them. If this is known–there would be a lot less babies offered up legitimately–due to the tribal customs. (Africans and many other people in 3rd world countries often “loan” out children to relatives who are childless but still expect a connection sometime over the years)

Then again, some governments may engage in extending the times just to ensure they make even more money. I do hope they are trying to make sure the adoption process is on the up and up and that the families who give up these babies KNOW that they are giving up forever. Because though a “forever home” sounds wonderful to an American who wants a baby to love and care for–it can be a horrible outcome to a family who thought they “loaned” the child out for a few years but expect that at some point to get the child back.

I was adopted from Colombia as a baby and my parents had been trying to adopt both domestically & internationally for 5 years, with 1 heart breaking let down (the birth mother changed her mind), before they finally got me.

International adoption CHANGED the course of my life and offered me opportunities that I might never have had and I will forever be grateful. I may have been born in another country but I was born to be their child. They just had to travel a little farther to get me.

Now that I am a college graduate with a thriving career and a wonderful supportive husband, I plan to adopt at least one child at some point. Adoption is a wonderful gift of love for both the parents and the children no matter where they are from.

ok I have to clear up something I keep readihg about Jillian, the words about her not wanting to have babies herself because it will mess up her body… If you read the article she was interviewed again and she explains how her words with misquoted. She said that about not putting her body through fertility treatments because it is almost impossible for her to get pregnant herself. The link below is a interview to explain the words that were taken out of content.

http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/exclusive-jillian-michaels-explains-her-comments-on-pregnancy-adoption/

The laws in most states always side with birth parents. Even birth parents who willingly give their child up for adoption have changed their mind and were able to get their child back. The people who have been through foster care and private adoptions have both been through the heartbreak of raising a child only to have that child taken away from them. That is the reason most of the adoptive parents I know have decided to adopt internationally instead.

Oh and I agree that more people should qualify for adoption. I think single people, gay people and older parents should be allowed to adopt more and more. A woman can deliver a child while being addicted to drugs, why can’t more people adopt who would be loving parents!!!

An agency here in America told me that very few 40+ years old are able to adopt babies in the U.S.

Not only did Jillian later explain that her comments about “doing that to her body” were related to her PCOS and need for medical intervention (hormones, etc. which she is against) and not weight gain, but she mentioned yesterday on twitter that she is looking to adopt 2 children (one international and one domestic). Her social worker suggested that she begin the international process first. Just sayin’

Adding – Jillian is not how she “appears” on the Biggest Loser. Her aggressiveness on the show is her Boot Camp training act and IRL she is very kind if you know anything about her. I think you will see a whole new side of her on The Doctors and Dr. Phil that you seldom see on TBL.

Mary and Jackie – just because Jillian cares about the state of her body (it’s how she’s made her living) doesn’t mean she won’t be a good mom. In all honesty, I hate my body since my son was born. The shape shifted, I gain weight in weird spots now, I have stretch marks, etc. Does this mean I don’t love my son? No way! But honestly, pregnancy does effect a woman’s body and if she can adopt and love that baby just as much as her own blood, then who cares?

“be a citizen of the world, not just of your state or country”

A child isn’t worth more than another child based on the country they were born in. Who cares where she adopts from — the end result is a child with a permanent home, and that’s all that matters.

I am happy she wants to adopt but the United States have millions of children that could use a good home.Also if her preference is for an African American child is better to say you adopted from the Congo’s instead of the streets of Los Angeles.

“and how do you really know the family medical history?”

Children still need a home regardless of their family medical history . . .

The adoption system is nothing less than legalized baby selling. I don’t care if it is domestic or international…because someone is poor or young or lacking family support is NOT a reason to take that person’s child! Those people, communities, countries…they need help. They need systems set up to hold families together. Separating a child from its mother is the most inhumane, most traumatic thing you can do to either of them. And if you are infertile or simply don’t want to get stretch marks or waited till past your child bearing years or gay…I don’t care what reason you cannot have your own biological child IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU ENTITLED TO SOMEONE ELSES CHILD.

The fact that so many want to forego the frustrations of fostering/trying to adopt older foster child (who often really are orphans in need of homes) so that they can acquire an infant to “pretend” that child is really biologically there’s tells me you have no interest in actually being a parent (which involves love, commitment, compassion for this other human being NOT YOUR NEEDS).

You could use your time and money volunteering, becoming a foster parent…even (gasp) helping a young woman in a crisis situation who desperately wants to keep her child get the resources she needs in order to do it. That would be truly commendable. Perhaps “god” or whatever had other plans for you…plans that helped the greater good and actually PROTECTS children?

Most newborns and infants are “available” due to coercion of vulnerable young women who NEVER wanted to lose their precious babies. No woman wants to carry a child for 9 months just to hand it over to strangers. If you have never had a child then you may not understand the depth of this very primal fact.

Also, adoption agencies work so fast for you because you are keeping them in business and they will do anything to get that infant for you.

Please do some research. Please educate yourselves? I sincerely beg you! I don’t blame you for your ignorance. The adoption industry spends millions every years to keep the truth hidden and paint this happy picture of mothers joyfully handing over their children and these completely happy adoptees, etc…It is all big business. This is ahuman rights issue. It is a moral responsibility to all the children and their true families.

I’ll help you get started:

Books–Primal Wound, Adoption Healing, Birthmother Trauma, The Girls that Went Away

Websites: http://www.exiledmothers.com, http://www.origins-usa.org, https://www.adoptionhealing.com/

Stephanie,

Some of your points you make are valid ones, others not so much. You are extremely one-sided on the topic of adoption and I just wonder why? For one, I myself am Caucasion and will be adopting an African American child- I highly doubt I will try to go through life “pretending” that child is biologically mine, although I will certainly love it the same.

Another thing, I myself am adopted and am glad there are options such as adoption in the world for some mothers and their children. Life isn’t always cut and dry- ie: that life with the “natural” mother is best. In a perfect world, yes- but one that involves some mothers who DIE (as mine did), or others who are unfit and abusive or using drugs/alchohol…thank goodness for some parents to be able to or want to step in to raise that child in a healtheir and more opportunistic situation and family life. So you see, I have seen it from both ends as an adoptee and adopted child…and THIS is my view.

Molly–“You are extremely one-sided” do the research, educate yourself and you will see that I am in no way being one-sided. I am simply trying to REVEAL the other side, the biggest side (which you will see for yourself if you both to self educate). It’s ironic really and a bit of a yawn since it happens so often, but you told me I was being one-sided then went on to defend your statement by giving your view/experience and yours alone. What you have said has no basis in the reality of the majority…it is one person’s experience and one person’s experience does not truth make.

“I will certainly love it the same.” IT? Seriously? Nuff said.

“I myself am adopted and am glad there are options such as adoption in the world for some mothers and their children” I believe I covered this in my itial post…the part concerning TRUE ORPHANS. I believe it is your responsibility to make sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the child you adopt was an orphan with no other family members able to care for him/her or that the child was indeed removed from his/her parents/family due to neglect/abuse that could not be helped with social services/rehab/unbiased counseling programs, etc.

Anyone else who wishes to post ignorant responses to my comment (which is backed up by decades of research, education, etc…) save your breath. I will not do the work for you. Dig deeper and learn on your own. Whether you bother to do this or not and do it with an open, unselfish and compassionate heart & mind will prove my point.

Stephanie,

Some of your points you make are valid ones, others not so much. You are extremely one-sided on the topic of adoption and I just wonder why? For one, I myself am Caucasion and will be adopting an African American child- I highly doubt I will try to go through life “pretending” that child is biologically mine, although I will certainly love it the same. ”

I want to touch on this topic because we are currently involved (or are aware of two situations where African children have been adopted by white people. One of them is the result of the caucasian mom marrying the dad and not being able to have kids of her own. She has adopted 3 girls that have an African mother. The tribe all the girls, the dad and the birth mom are in is Ashanti.

The mom is dead, so there was a great opportunity for the girls to be raised from the time they were very little to grown by a wonderful woman who is also a nurse. I met one of the daughters who is good friends with my daughter. This girl has some terrible issues and appeared to be either depressed or angry. (She is sort of quiet but for no reason, she often lashed out at her friends and even herself saying very denigrating things and engaging in self destructive behavior.

I had no opinion one way or the other about her or her family. A few years ago, I accompanied my daughter to this girl’s home to meet her mom. Keep in mind that this African child had been raised by this woman since she was 5 and now the girl was 15.

As soon as I arrived (the child was to spend a few days with me so I wanted to meet the mom to assure her of who I was and where her child would be staying) the mom immediately confided in me that she hoped the girl would not be an inconvenience then stated that she was an “odd child” who no doubt got it from her black mother. For the next 20 minutes or so, this woman who I had never met began to denigrate the African mother (who she had never met) then proceeded to denigrate black women in general.

Her point was that she had “rescued ” this child and her sisters and that they should not only be grateful forever for ‘all that she had done” but that they were better off with her as a white female and how whites were superior to any other type of female and that she was a great role model.

I pointed out to her that this child would grow up to be a black female and that any negatives shared with her now either to foster allegiance or to rant–were bound to cause conflict as the child tried to reconcile the opinions of her adoptive mom with her own reality. This went unheeded.

My point is this–a kid is not a kid is not a kid. They are human beings–and while people of different races are certainly capable of adopting and raising healthy children–I cannot help but wonder how many of these African or other ethnic children raised in other racial households will be subjected day in and day out to this type of stuff.

The little girl I was discussing is beaten down. She hates herself and she hates blacks and guess what? She really, really hates whites. She has been taught that as a person, she should be grateful for being rescued and as a woman (a black woman) she can never measure up. This is a very sad thing to imbue in any person.

I have met the adoptive mother and spoke to her several times. She is neither a mean person or a racist per se–but she is a person who is angry and scared. She wanted and still wants unconditional love from her adopted kids, but she sought it by trying to put down a race of people collectively who her girls will ALWAYS be a part of. You can not separate the apple from the apple tree and even though all are fruits–if you claim and express a hatred for the apple tree (the source) then all apples by extension are also not acceptable to you. This is the reason Obama chose his black side–it is the side he cannot get away from and that by US law he is legally bound to–but it also is the side his grandmother continually denigrated.

In the end, he chose the side that was more accepting of him–not that his family did not accept him–but they made him the EXCEPTION not the accepted one and that is not possible because in the real world, he would still just be another black male to most white people.

For the other child–same thing–listened all of her life to negative comments about blacks (though she was told that it did not apply to her or her brother because she had adoptive white parents. Well, this girl is 21 now and since she was 18, she has had nothing to do with her white adoptive family. They do not understand (after all that they have done for her) She seeks to find her African roots (I believe she is Nigerian) and says that she hates white people because of what was done to her.

People do not realize that children are not toys and that race is not something that is just skin deep–our society does not teach it that way–in pursuing something that fulfills a need in a human–and we like to believe also fulfills a need in a child–we do not consider that the hard work is not the adoption or the idyll of the “forever family” the hard work for an ethnically diverse household is how to not only respect and honor the child, but the culture and race that child will ALWAYS Be a part of–no matter what the race is of the person who raises them.

I hope Jillian is in this for the right reasons–and I also hope that those who seek this route understand that it is important to show respect and tolerance for all races–because down the road, your adopted African child will remember and internalize what they hear and what was said–REMEMBER THIS–no matter how noble–you cannot take comments back–even if you try, the hatefulness lingers and they also shape a person. No matter what–that child will always be black and WILL endure the daily things blacks endure here in this country–and if you think that minorities here do not endure a lot of racism and mistreatment yearly if not monthly or weekly–then you do not need to adopt an African child or any other minority child.

I think that Stephanie tried to be very upfront and truthful- She did say things from point of view that did not support your side, but that does not mean her comments are not valid. I think that instead of justifying adopting internationally or the industry (and it is a multibillion dollar a year industry) of selling babies–we need to be honest: NOT ALL BABIES offered in other countries have been abandoned by their parents and relatives. Many children have been stolen to sell to just such people as the American buyer. this is not fair to the families who may want the child and who have a greater tie, socially, culturally and racially to that child than a new parent ever will. (this is just a fact–unless an African in America adopts the child) There are issues too great to really argue why it is so difficult in America to adopt children and by now a lot of us know many horror stories from former foster care kids and what we read in the papers. Abuse both physically and sexual is rampant within the foster care program and how hard it is to adopt really depends on a lot of factors–the info about the potential parent, the status of the child, who your case worker is–what county…

As for international adoptions–governments are being regaled with stories of babies being stolen or of people recanting. One of the lures of adopting from Africa is not that the babies are unwanted or the parents do not want them back–but that the parents lack the clout and resources to get them back. Since it is a money making business–there are babies being stolen–and somehow it smacks really close to that other buying of human venture Americans justified over a century ago.

Then again, some babies are not wanted, particularly ones inflicted on young girls due to rape or had by people in other tribes–given the African emphasis on tribe purity–those children who are not fully of that tribe –might indeed be best being adopted as most tribes have no respect and consider outsider blood to taint their tribal lines. Given the wars in the Congo and the Sudan and the deliberate impregnation of females as a war tactic–there may indeed be quite a few babies legitimately up for sale–the real deal is that any responsible government BETTER make certain of the circumstances of that baby in the orphanage before removing that child from the country–taking a woman’s baby when she really did not want to give it up is rape of another sort and no amount of American amenities or what we want in this country can justify taking any child from their mom if she did not want to give her child up.

I am so sick of some of the snide remarks left here. To the womanwho mentioned how foster care is free & we should do private adoption, some people dont have 30,000.00 dollars ! For people who do great, but we are a loving family who have lost 8 babys through miscarriage, and I wish i had 30 grand. So I say congrats Jillian ! Any woman who has a mothers heart with no children is blessed when they get that child, regardless of where and how !

Molly–right on!

MS–She is entitled to her opinion but free speech does not equal sensitivity.

Adoptive parents have questions posed to them often like: Do you have any children of your own? How come you didn’t adopt from the US (this after our child was home) Aren’t you a baby smuggler? Are you going to do it again? Did you do everything you could to get pregnant?
My gosh–I have been asked all of these questions and so have MANY others I know.

Think about what you say to people and be sensitive to their feelings–I don’t consider my children adopted, I consider them my children.
Honestly, I don’t ask pregnant woman when they are going to lose their baby weight, why don’t they go through labor without an epidural, how many times did they have sex to conceive…etc… But people have no problem asking adoptive parents they dont even know these personal questions…….

I adopted my son domestically through private adoption and it only took 3 months to get him from the day we signed up. Adopting in the USA doesn’t only happen through foster care, that is just the free way of doing it.

– Dedra on May 11th, 2011

Dedra- You are the exception that you got a baby so fast. We used a private agency an it took us 29 months. We had several birthmothers change their minds during the process. In the end we were blessed with our daughter but it was a VERY long 29 months!

Jillian you are amazing, to go over and support our troops, is awesome. I am a military wife, who’s husband is currently deployed and it’s ppl like u, that I have so much respect for. You care so much about the troops. Good luck on your adoption. You will be an amazing Mom. P.S. you should come to Ft. Bragg and visit sometime, I know us spouses would love it.

I adopted an older child from the US and would NEVER do it again or recommend anyone do it. The government is more interested in getting available kids out of the system that they neglect to tell potential adoptive parents everything.

We were never told about my child’s mental health issues, that she was on psychotic medication (medicine that wasn’t even approved by the FDA for kids!!) that was stopped when we were in the process of meeting with her (so we wouldn’t know she was on anything). We were lied to and mislead from start to finish. It’s sad to say but I would never, ever recommend domestic adoption. Unfortunately, I hear of more sad endings from domestic adoption than I hear of happy endings.

Linda,
Yep–I am just imagining what would happen if YOU adopted a minority child and shared just this sentiment with them–keeping in mind that out of 130 million minority Hispanic and blacks only a handful (comparatively speaking)are having litters of kids or engaging in whoring and/or drugs–but your words denigrates an entire race–and if you adopt a minority child that INCLUDES your adoptive child too–maybe not in YOUR eyes but certainly in the eyes of any other racist who has similar views to your own and does not know you bought your pick of the “litter”.

As I said about African children being adopted outside of their race and tribes and culture–I present Linda as ‘exhibit A” and now—think about a child growing up hearing stuff like that for 18 years or so….. What would be the outcome? Especially to their own psyche?

Actually, Jillian has answered the question “why the Congo” several times…her plans are to adopt TWO children this year, one from Africa and one from the US. After consulting the experts, she was advised to adopt from Africa first and follow that with adoption in the US. If I understand correctly what she was told it has to do with the cultural aspect of bringing a minority child into a white home..being first, being the oldest is seen as respect and acceptance. At least that’s what I took from her explanation. Knowing Jill, she’s probably talked with every expert on earth about the order of her children in the sense of boy/girl, non-white/white, age, etc., etc. You’ve no idea how detailed she is in EVERYTHING she does and this is the most IMPORTANT thing she’s ever done. I’m excited for her and hope people will get off her case.

“Everyone would rather get an abortion then give their kids up for adoption”

“You say that like its a bad thing, Kris. Carrying a child for 9 months and then giving it up for adoption is not a physically or emotionally easy task.”

@ Darla- Beacause killing your unborn child IS an easy task? Good Lord, what has this world become?!

Stephine : just one question, don’t you think Caylee Marie whould have been better off if she was adopted by a loving family who really wanted her?!… Adoption is a beautiful thing! stop being naive there are children who are unwanted, there are children who have no one! there are orphans and all of these children deserve to have a family.

“linda” I originally wrote this for someone else at another “discussion” and it seemed fitting to share it with you here…I won’t waste my time on you actually typing up something.
And with this…I’m done here…
_____________________________________
Have you ever had sex? Ever been in love? Ever gotten pregnant? Have you ever had sex with no protection but got “lucky” in not getting pregnant? Have you ever been separated from your parents, your family, your history, your roots? Have you ever had your baby taken from your arms while you cry and beg to keep him/her? While your heart shatters in the despair that you didn’t have the support or help to be the mother you longed to be? Have you ever had to go through your whole life not knowing who you are and having those basic human rights (and primal human needs) marginalized and dismissed? Have you ever had to spend 20, 30, 50 years aching for your child, worrying about your child, suffering depression day in and day out for the LOSS of that child? Your comments are pathetically sad. And I mean that sincerely, it is terribly sad! Please, I beg you, educate yourself.

These are human beings we are talking about. Adoptees have every right to their OBC. It is THEIRS. The very few mothers who don’t want to be found can opt OUT. That would make much more sense and more easily managed. If someone is found who doesn’t want to be found then they say so and that’s that. To my knowledge it is still a crime to stalk or harrass a person who wants nothing to do with you. If it is some big secret then that is their problem for not facing the reality of this HUMAN BEING they created. Frankly, that is the entire problem with adoption. There are far too many lies, deciet and secrets. And it is all surrounded by big business. The PAPs haven’t dealt with their infertility so they want to live in denial of it. They want to live in rainbow-farting unicorn land where this adoptee is actually born to them. If the adoption agency can’t promise them they are 100% legally the parents (including altering the OBC which personally i think should NEVER be done to start with) and the mother won’t find them and the kid can’t find out then those PAPs won’t pay upwards of $30,000 for their pretend offspring. Sealing these records does not now and NEVER HAS had anything to do with promising mothers confidentiality of any kind. The idea that natural parents have ever and I mean EVER been promised confidentiality is a FALSEHOOD. It’s just another smokescreen to get the ignorant masses into a political frenzy about something they know nothing about though it is high time people start paying attention because you are all perpetuating the abuse of power, human rights violations out the wazoo, and a blight on our country as huge as slavery and I dare say, even genocide.

OBCs are altered and then the original kept from its rightful owner (the adoptee!) to protect THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS’ FANTASY and therefore THE BABY BROKERS BOTTOM LINE. Again, do your research and get your facts straight. And as for the biological fathers…it’s far past due time that they grow up, get a backbone and take responsibility for the person they have created.

A few other points I’d like to make:
1) a man’s name cannot be listed on a birth certificate as the father unless he is married to the mother or he is there in person to sign, agreeing to his name being listed and
2) no one wants to have a child just to hand it over to someone else. it is devastating. any woman who has given birth knows this…unless you have rocks in your chest. i chose to not abort my child BECAUSE I WANTED HER. i didn’t give birth to her so that she could be taken by strangers. adoption and abortion have absolutely ZERO connection.
3) another issue with all this baby selling secrecy is the need to know if you are about to marry and procreate with your sibling! (it happens!) can we please return to some level of common sense and human decency?

Jesus Christ, you people make it difficult to remain calm and patient. I am astounded by the level of ignorance in the SHEEPLE of my country. It’s as if everyone is too lazy to stop and think, let alone do a little self-education.

Stephanie, did it occur to you that YOUR post sounds ignorant to many people? The fact is, everyone has different experiences. Some have had good experiences with adoption or abortion and some people have had bad experiences with them. Just because you or someone you know may have had a bad experience with adoption doesn’t mean adoption is always a bad thing.

I think adoption is absolutely amazing! I am the Mother of a 13 year biological son and 2 adopted miracles….age 2 and age 8 months…Full siblings. I also thought that adoption takes years but if you can find a good agency…ours took about 5 months from the first phone call. We adopted here in the states. Everyone has a different experience but my belief is your baby(s) will find you! Best of luck to all awaiting parents 🙂

While I don’t judge people who adopt overseas as opposed to American children like Sandra Bullock did, I do however question why people mostly chose Africa?? Hello- there are many many countries in Europe who need good adoptive families. My parents and grandparents are originally from Western Europe and if adoption was an option that I needed to consider and an American child was not available, I would seek to adopt in my family’s native country simply because I have dual citizenship, speak the language and understand the culture. Personally, adopting a child from Africa or Asia would be difficult because I would not know what to teach them about their culture and moer importantly having society always look different towards our family. There are many kids who need good homes besides third world countries! Spain, Italy, France,England can all be good options. Also Jillian needs to come clean with her homosexuality, she keeps trying to deter from talking about it.. newsflash no one cares who is gay or straight anymore, Ellen, Ricky Martin, Lance Bass were not shockers to the public either! best of luck raising your baby!

To whomever called her selfish, I remember reading an article about her where she clarified her statement, ‘I would never do that to my body’… she has a condition that made it difficult, or impossible to carry a child.

I am not her biggest fan, although I find her workout tapes a refreshing much needed swift kick to my butt, but I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to pass judgement? Sometimes people don’t divulge all the details of their personal life because, well, they don’t need to! I know I don’t feel any obligation to anyone to tell them my life story, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to be called selfish.

Stephanie,

97% of adoptions are not a result of coercion – that is simply not true. I have worked with both adoptive and birthmothers, and so have first hand experience with the decision-making process of many birthmothers. They were not coerced – they do often feel heartbroken at the loss of the chance to parent this child, but love their child so much, they are willing to live with that heartbreak. They also want to go to college or care for the other children they have – i.e., live their lives. I think you are confusing these things.

as for the ability of adoptive parents to parent – the proof is int he pudding so to speak. Most adopted children turn out just fine. Also, there is an entire literature of animal work (which is now being extended to humans; fyi, the biological systems that drive our parental response are nearly identical to those in other species, particularly primates) indicating that the hormones and neurological pathways that are linked to becoming a mother are turned on for adoptive mothers too (it just takes a bit longer).

I find it hard to believe that there is anyone who can be against adoption as a general rule. you have people who want children, and children you need parents, and birthmothers who cannot parent. it’s literally the best solution possible for a late-term unwanted pregnancy. i am sorry for whatever loss you have lived through, but pelase remember that your experiences are yours alone. it is frankly jsut not ok to either diminish the bond between adoptive parents and their children, or to diminish the choice of birthmothers. they love their child so much, they have made the ultimate sacrifice to better his or her life. taking away their “choice” diminishes that experience, and does not serve anyone’s interest. please reconsider – you are not helping yourself or society with this (I didn’t look at your websites, but it is clear that this have discussed this in many forums). you are being cruel here – i am sure you don’t want to be, but you are.

i wanted to read all the posts, but no time. i did see someone mention “novelty”. Is it fashionable to adopt a baby from another destitute country. Is it because young unadulterated babies are harder to find in the states. is adopting like shopping at nordstroms. Oh I want a baby that looks just like me with curly hair and bright white skin?. I am fully behind a woman’s right to choose either abortion or adoption or even trying to be a mom on shaking grounds. I know plenty of women who were unsure of there decision to keep a child and ended up being great parents. does a 15 year old even have an inkling of how to have a healthy pregnancy, is it possible that it could kill them to have this baby. Everyone has a right to choose how they handle their own bodies.I personally think that every female should be given birth control when they start their periods. How about the boys get some too. How many woman have had to have a child from their rapists. Don’t crap on anyone who has had to make a life or death decision. Jillian is leading an alternative lifestyle. I honestly do not know the rules on single lesbian moms adopting in the us. I also do not understand the two married men(with money) who get to adopt a child over a conventional man woman parent model. I know love is love and everyone deserves it.it’s just too much about money and who you know. i do think it’s rude for a rich celebrity woman to overlook the us children who need homes. but they are too affected to waste time or money on a child that may have string. Sorry to say but Jillians not wanting to ravage her body is a very telling sign of what kind of mom she will be.she’s just like the selfish housewives who schedule there c sections before the stretch marks kick in. Vanity is so disgusting and it’s all the more apparent with these celebs. I just think all of our government systems are corrupt. How do so many children get put into fosters that beat them and use them for the pay check. don’t start defending them. i know the fosters here are very protective of their lot. but lets face it. those kids are a paycheck just like the welfare mothers. everyone has a right to their opinion so if you don’t like mine. stuff it.;)

@ Linda
Your comment is extremely offensive. You sound bitter and hateful and the language you use in which you called people sluts and whores was not needed. Surely you could have sounded more tactful.

I’m extremely happy for Jillian. I am not a parent yet, but I know the feeling as I helped my mother raise my three younger siblings. I plan on doing both adopting and having biological children. My aunt and uncle adopted from both Guatamala and China and my uncle I believe is the happiest he has ever been. His two children light up his life.

Good for her. Adoption is a wonderful thing, no matter where it is from. She is doing a wonderful thing for a child.

With all this gal does to help other people achieve their full potential she certainly deserves the gift of motherhood. Who cares where the child comes from love has no borders. My very best wishes.

Look, our family was a foster family for many years, and we attempted to adopt a child we had for 6 years. It was a disaster and he nearly destroyed our children, as well as the situation breaking our hearts when it didn’t work out. He had so many problems we were not told about, and even with many hours of training each year by the best professionals, we were not able to change his issues and help heal real mental issues he had. In all the years we did foster care, I knew of one FP who abused a child and it was their bio child. Not okay, but still, not the widespread abuse of foster children being discussed by some.

We do have adopted children, domestic and international, and I must say to Queenbee (who fancies herself to be a real authority on interracial adoption) that my interracial child is the child who is most like me in a dozen ways. It is a family joke, to be honest. It isn’t as hard as people think, to help your child learn about their heritage, foods, and any other details about their country of origin. Not everyone is racially insensitive, and many are very good at making friends with people from their child’s country of origin, and learn to cook foods from the same.

It is utter nonsense to think your child cannot adapt, either. Everyone has to adapt to different situations throughout their life, and lest you think I don’t know what i’m talking about because my children are not old enough–I have grandchildren by these children, who are now successful adults. They love us and the whole family, and we love them, too, just as we love our biological children.

We chose international adoption because we did not want anyone to take our child from us after months of us loving the child and our child loving his sibling. How was that supposed to be constructive? We know people who have had their child for 6 months and a drug-addicted parent, or elderly grandparents show up and decide they are ready to parent. They may go through this more than once. After having this happen several times, why would anyone want to keep dealing with that? I’ve known of people going through agencies and it took several years and still no child.

I realize no one really has a right to assume they will have children or be able to adopt, but when you desperately want a child, it just makes sense to go with the way that works best for your family and the way you think will work for yourself and the child. Adoptive parents don’t just care about themselves, and frankly, adoption is difficult at best, so it requires thought, and often takes all the money you have, so the adoptive couple doesn’t take it lightly.

If you look at Jillian’s facebook page, she has said numerous times that she is physically incapable of having children.

She also plans on adpotng two kids, one from this country and one from Africa. The logistics of adopting overseas make it practical to adpot that child first.

@ Queenbee you are a master at race relations and interracial adoptions.

END SARCASM.

God bless anyone who adopts. Kids, young and old are blessings and there should never be a debate about that.

“I personally think that every female should be given birth control when they start their periods.”

Birth control is a medication and it has many side effects. Every female should be able to make the CHOICE of whether or not she wants to take birth control. It should not be something automatically given to every menstruating female.

“Sorry to say but Jillians not wanting to ravage her body is a very telling sign of what kind of mom she will be.”

So youu’re saying it’s okay for a woman to have an abortion because she doesn’t want her body to go through pregnancy, but it’s not okay for a woman to take birth control to try and prevent that unwanted pregnancy from ever happening?

Sorry, Stacy, but your comment is full of contradictions. No offense; I realize you are probably very young, most likely still a child.

If you had actually read the article, you would see that Jillian is unable to get pregnant naturally because of a medical condition.

Poverty is often a root cause of child abandonment. Sometimes, Political conditions also contribute to child abandonment.

“The Dying Rooms” is a documentary that nobody can ever forget or not find to be deeply touching. China’s one-child policy has created a race where most families desire boys, and therefore parents are forced to abandon their babies. Their unfortunate and tragic lives are left at the mercy of these orphanages where their sad fate is ultimately decided by the staff and ignored by the government.

To Watch this documentary online visit cultureunplugged

“You say that like its a bad thing, Kris. Carrying a child for 9 months and then giving it up for adoption is not a physically or emotionally easy task.”

And abortion is supposed to be an easy task?! I think not. It’s traumatizing and you have to live with the decision forever. So, kill a child or give it life?

Poverty is often a root cause of child abandonment. Sometimes, Political conditions also contribute to child abandonment.

“The Dying Rooms” is a documentary that nobody can ever forget or not find to be deeply touching. China’s one-child policy has created a race where most families desire boys, and therefore parents are forced to abandon their babies. Their unfortunate and tragic lives are left at the mercy of these orphanages where their sad fate is ultimately decided by the staff and ignored by the government.

To Watch this documentary online visit cultureunplugged

– prism on May 13th, 2011

the interesting thing about China is that due to the policy of one child adoption they are now suffering a shortage of females with 1 female being available to every 4 males. It is estimated that most Chinese men will NOT be able to find wives within the next 2 generations due to the policy and the tolerance to people either aborting female fetuses or giving them up for adoption. The Chinese are now trying to change their policies towards females but years of valuing males over females (and having only one shot at a gender) has made this an uphill battle for them.

I think it is very important as people move forward with adoptions–either here or outside the country to remember that there is a life there that they can shape BUT only so much. There is not much you can do about perceptions outside of your home or experiences or feelings your adoptive child may have towards what they see and hear–esp when it applies to people from Africa.

There are some extremely negative viewpoints towards other races in this country and though a lot of times things are said in jest–they are hurtful and can have bad consequences for children just the same. Above all else, a child needs love–but they also need CONSIDERATION. Too often people do not think about what they say in front of children and how the child processes that–nor is the child likely to relay their feelings towards these types of encounters.

When these children get older or are adults, they often share these stories within the communities where they think such experiences are common–then there is a lot of “when I was young, my grandmother said…” or “my adoptive mother always said….”

WHAT I am saying is that Jillian or anyone else –it does not matter–many children DO need good, loving homes–but when you cross cultural lines–kids can and do adapt–when it is racial–there are some things NO ONE can adapt to–never forget–you may have a child for yourself–but a child is raised to live within a society–and unfortunately, in our society–a different skin color or facial features often set children (and adults) up for a lifetime of negative and stereotypical comments–I am hoping that WHEN it happens (not IF) that there will be less grown adoptees telling us it happened to them in the homes they were adopted in.

I am so happy for her, she will make a great mom! It doesn’t matter where your child comes from, what’s important is that they are in a happy, loving family.

We adopted our daughter through our county foster care program- she came to us at 3 weeks old and within months termination of parental rights had occured, our particular situation was actually quicker then most domestic or international adoptions.

There are so many ideas and stories floating around out there, I have one thing to say to people who have no experience with adoption- please stop talking- unless you have been through the process you don’t know what you are talking about.

There are laws and practices in place so that kids are not adopted and then magically “taken back” from the adoptive parents. Due diligence is done once termination of parental rights occurs there is no going back, those rights have been terminated. The courts do not take terminating rights of parents lightly, however it’s a done deal once it’s signed by the judge.

Adopting through foster care can be a long and difficult journey and seems to vary from county to county- but it’s very possible. I love how people always talk about “some distant friend or someone down the street” that had a terrible experince with adoption, it’s sad that is how people get thier information and that’s what shapes their ideas about adoption.

Good for Jillian, I wish her nothng but happiness!

queenbee – Yawn. you seem to assume the worst in adoptive parents’ motives and you couldn’t be more off base. Holding on to past hang ups and preconceived notions and seeking to paint everyone with a broad brush…. forcing your way down everyone’s throat.
et it go queenbee.

– SheilaS on May 13th, 2011

Said in 2009:

(as told by a young adopted woman from Kenya)–her adopted mom was angry because she did not keep her bedroom clean–“as a kid my mom always told me that my ‘lazy ways’ obviously came from my African side and that I better get with the program”

April 2010–a woman came into a hair salon with her young adopted daughter–she wanted to know how to care for her hair–these were her words “Can you help me with my daughter’s hair? I adopted her from Africa and I have never been able to do anything with her hair…(then laughs) I swear that it’s just like carpet–can you maybe straighten it like that girls?”

The girl with the straight hair was my daughter–her hair is naturally straight. The little girl whose hair was described as being “like carpet was about 5 or 6 and was standing right there.

WHAT DO YOU THINK REMARKS LIKE THAT DO TO THAT CHILD’S ESTEEM OR DOES IT COUNT?

2 months ago, I was with a friend who has a biracial child (her own) . I had not seen her for years and the child had really grown up a lot (from a baby to an 11 year old) I remarked on how much the child had changed over those years. Mom smiled and rolled her eyes and said “I know..right? When she was born she used to be sooo pretty with really light skin and silky hair, now look at her–she is soooo dark and her hair is all frizzed up–I don’t know what happened” The child was now the color of Obama.

WHAT SHOULD HER OWN CHILD TAKE FROM THAT? tHINK THAT GIRL WILL NOT HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES?

My point is NOT to slam adoptions but to approach adoptions with more than the same myopic view that Americans approach marriage.

In this country everyone thinks that “true love” is the barometer for marriage and have high hopes but the REALITY is that within 5 years over 40% of those marriages will FAIL and within 15 years that number climbs to almost 60%.

This idea that interracial child making or raising is colorblind and does not matter is a sham and MUST be addressed. I give talks on this issue and for the most part, those with adopted children are as receptive to it as those with biologic interracial children. They are THANKFUL to have the issue discussed because they NEVER KNEW the emotional damage that their own words–said in jest or conversationally can inflict on their child.

In making my comments about addressing this issue–I am assuming that most people want a child for more than self gratification and intend to raise a healthy, happy human being–that means they CARE about what could adversely affect their child. If they are engaging in behaviors (Unknowingly that could give trauma–they want to know NOT slam anyone who dares to bring it up)
I always say the best time to understand and practice racial sensitivity is BEFORE you adopt or have that baby not after–people are so caught up in the ideal of “a human being to help and love” that they seldom think beyond the first years to that child growing up.

IS THIS YOU? OR ANYONE ELSE WITH AN INTERNATIONAL CHILD?

1. Do you speculate or discuss/criticize what you see as the problems within that child’s ethnicity, race or country with them? (You may mean it to apply to everyone EXCEPT them but they know to outsiders–THEY will be perceived as the “everyone” so it gives them a skewed view in how they are seen.

2. Do you make comments about blacks or other races, or make jokes about them and feel that they should just “lighten up” this will place your child in the position of never being open about any slight or hurt you give them even if unintentional –but they will not lighten up or ‘get over it” they will bring it to that mom or discussion group or to their friends when they are older and they will be full of stories about how insensitive their adoptive parents are.

3. Do you compare black and white people? Your child will know that if you do it, so do others–and while you might forgive them or exempt them–they will suspect others of condemning them–after all, if you are like that–why would those who do not know you be different?

No–you are right–I would never object to anyone adopting a child in need of any race or creed, but I will ALWAYS stand up and point out that it takes due diligence and sensitivity to raise a healthy, happy child. We all come to the table full of life experiences, angst and recriminations and parents are often guilty of trying to “correct or manage their children” so that they prevent what they think are mishaps–BUT>>>

When it comes to children from other minorities or cultures–there are things about how they are or how they process information that you will never know if you have never been where they are.

I wish all children who are adopted were not only in loving, safe homes, but also in nonjudgmental homes–but that is not the case–I could name time after time including this year, when people have said racially insensitive things to children and grown ups.

One mother stated that she was getting worried about her daughter, because she was not racist or anything, but you would have to admit that black girls are more promiscuous and out there than white girls.

Nice Mom. When I read some of the attitudes here–I see a lot of denial. IN the rush to make this a happy/happy joy joy–I see a lot of potential adoptive parents who may inadvertently emotionally destroy their kids. Why? Because for some reason, people think blacks and others should just “get over racism and mistreatment and slurs, etc –but to get over something it has to stop and there has to be a respite.

Minorities cannot “get over racism because it never stops. It will not stop when you adopt a black child either–but everyone needs a place to feel safe and accepted unconditionally. In black families or other minorities, that safe place is home–but as numerous kids and adults share their experiences with us about life in their multinational households–they often had NO PLACE where they were not made fun of (for having chinky eyes, or kinky hair or whatever) and the saddest thing is that for the most part–their adoptive families never have a clue of the damage they wrought or of how that kid felt.

Then again, if someone is providing food, shelter and love for you–it is not likely you are going to tell them that they are hurting you in that way–ESPECIALLY–IF THE TYPICAL RESPONSE IS DEFENSIVE AND THEY ARE JUST TOLD TO DEAL WITH IT OR GET OVER IT–Instead of the racism ceasing within the household.

Finally, from my own culture, I wa

To Jillian and any other prospective adoptive parents: I think it is a wonderful thing to be able to bring another person into your life and help to nurture and love them and have NOTHING against international or domestic adoptions. I apologize if my posts indicate that I am against adoptions–I’m not.

What I am a passionate advocate of are, in the case of interracial adoptions that people do a lot of soul searching about what they do and why and how they relate to other races.

As you may have read, the reasons are because I deal with a lot of people who later share their angst or emotional trauma they suffered due to either having a child adopted that the family did not agree to or know was happening or what they went through as an adopted or biracial child. My own history is one of multiracial and immigrant status so it is natural that I am privy to a lot of stories like this.

What I have noticed is that though people really mean well and have the best of intentions, the damage wrought by insensitivity stays with the people who endured it for the rest of their lives. It is especially hurtful when neither they or their parents meant for things to have happened or be said (or they do not know how it felt or feels to a person of another race)

The one thing I know for certain is that the type of soul searching when adopting a child has to be even more vigilant when approaching a child of another race–if a person is in the habit of comparing or disparaging other races–an interracial child stands to possibly be damaged by any relationship–and the more intimate–the more damage

A person is often left with anger that they do not know what to do with when a caregiver who has given so much also is the person who has damaged them so much–sort of a love/hate thing.

Anyway–if you really read my posts you will see that I NEVER say that international or domestic adoptions are good or bad or should be done or not done–what I do is CONTINUALLY WARN about the need for racial sensitivity. I do not accuse any specific person in being insensitive, but I have relayed some of the pitfalls and stories I am privy to–these are not old stories from the past–I get stories any time I open my home to my friends or their children and even from the adoptive (or natural parents) they talk to me because I have so many children of a multiracial background and am also multiracial that they think I will understand.

I do understand to a point and the most important thing I understand is that people idealize parent hood and raising a child and fail to think –really think about what they are doing or that when raising a biracial or international child–they may have to modify their views or behavior–it just does not occur to many people–There is damage when there is not consideration–I find it odd that no one has at any point stated that they do not engage in negative conversations about races–instead when addressing my comments–they try to act like I am against adoptions..

Show me where I state that. I do not. The real deal is–what kind of home are people really going to provide for babies? Especially those of another race–and when they provide that atmosphere–whose needs and feelings will be paramount? Their own? Or their new child’s?

queenbee, I read your examples of ignorant comments by parents of different-race children. I was raised by my biological parents, both of whom are the same race as me, and they constantly made ignorant comments to me or about me. I think everyone is going to have to deal with stuff like that, regardless of whether or not they are adopted and regardless of whether or not they are the same race as their parents. It’s unfortunate.

k, did your friends actually adopt the child or were they just foster parents?

queenbee, I read your examples of ignorant comments by parents of different-race children. I was raised by my biological parents, both of whom are the same race as me, and they constantly made ignorant comments to me or about me. I think everyone is going to have to deal with stuff like that, regardless of whether or not they are adopted and regardless of whether or not they are the same race as their parents. It’s unfortunate.

– dsfg on May 13th, 2011

Hello: “Ignorant” means unknowing–and the comments which I witnessed are true and happen to be well known., the others were relayed to me by persons who were in a position to know because they happened to them.

When your biological parent says something denigrating–it is usually taken in stride because you know that if they speak about you that way–since you came from them they are also speaking poorly of themselves.

When those same kinds of comments are said by a person who is different from you–people are left feeling both rage and impotency–in children this often leads to resentment AND Prejudice against the very people who said those things (e3ven if their adoptive parent).

I wrote earlier of a woman (a nurse) who is raised 3 girls from a very young age from Africa. Though they are still in contact with their father–they have nothing to do with the woman who raised them and have claimed to “hate her” Why? Because she continually put down black women in general and their deceased mother in particular.

I also happened to have met this woman–she is really a nice person, but felt driven to establish her place in the girls’ affections to the point that she denigrated others. The net result is that since 2008, at least one of them has had nothing to do with her and worse yet–tries to believe that “all white women are hateful and meanspirited like her”

The lady was not mean spirited, she was trying to show them that she mattered and that they should care about her not a group of people who were doing nothing for them and did not adopt them. It has failed. This is one of many stories.

Go ahead and think it is a myth–you may be very surprised at what your interracial child thinks of you and what you say in the future–if you denigrate their race or culture.

It is just like getting in trouble–there are things your parents can say or do that maybe your aunt or a teacher better not say or do–more leniency and forgiveness when all are the same. More hurt and alienation –if there are already obvious differences–because if you can be comfortable making those remarks–then no matter what–you see race and color and your kids (and the culture/race that spawned them) would be judged by you already.

People can only take so much–and just like other races –minorities are more forgiving of home (their natural families) than they are of others who seek to disparage them. If you cannot learn that or this sounds ignorant to you–may all your choices be of like origin–for the child’s sake as well as your own.

Linda, you are a miserable human being. You know nothing, really, about love and feelings. I have one ‘natural’ child and three adopted children. At first I fostered them. They were aged 4, 2 and 3 months when they came to me. Their mother was murdered…in front of them. She was a prostitute and all 3 children had different fathers. Two of them have some Black blood. When they were offered to me for adoption (after six months of fostering them) I jumped at the chance. My bio daughter was very happy about it as well. We have NEVER belittled them for having Black blood, in fact I have several Black friends who visit often. Obviously I don’t denigrate anybody because of their race. (I have friends of ALL races. When I was young I dated guys of all ethnicities, as has my daughter. I love my adopted children as much as I do my bio child…and that’s a LOT! Love is wonderful…the more you give, the more you have. It’s a self-renewing resource.

Now, as for all women being ‘forced’ to give up their children, I know that’s not true as well. One of my best friends was the victim of rape. She ended up pregnant. She came to the conclusion, ON HER OWN that she didn’t want to abort an innocent child, but she also didn’t want to raise the reminder of her traumatic experience. Therefore, she had the child and gave it for adoption. There WAS some sadness, but in the end she was satisfied with her decision and has NO ‘mental’ problems because of that choice. I’ve known quite a few women who have also given up their children, and not ONE was forced to do so. Yes, maybe some young teens ARE ‘forced’ by parents to relinquish the child, but when they are more mature they realize the decision was the right one. But, in our society at least, NO 13 o4 14 year old girls are going to make good parents. They can’t support the children for one thing. No parent should be forced to raise their grandchildren. Yes, some DO, but again that was a decision they made for themselves. I don’t believe that the majority of children up for adoption were literally ripped from their mother’s arms and ‘sold’. In fact, I know of no women who were offered money in exchange for their infants. Yes, some adoptive parents DO pay the medical expenses of the bio mother, but this is NOT ‘buying’ a child. Oh, and adopting my children cost me very little. A few administrative costs and the costs of the classes that were mandatory before either fostering or adopting. I ALSO know, that at least in WA, (except in cases of rape) the bio father also has to sign the papers allowing their child to be adopted. I don’t know where you got your info, and I’m not going to follow your links. Anyone can say anything on the internets. It doesn’t mean it’s true. But, you are a very cruel person. My children are happy and well-adjusted. If I hadn’t adopted them there would have been a big chance that they would have had to be split up and adopted by 2 or 3 different sets of parents. THAT would have been traumatic for them all.
They are well adjusted now, and happy and most importantly, they KNOW they are wanted and loved.

Queenbee-
That is awful that you had to endure that kind of talk and negative self-imaging from your own family. Very good that you are able to break that cycle of thinking for your own children. If you can’t change minds, sadly, you must cut them off in order to eliminate more damage.

I don’t think about race too often because I wasn’t brought up that way. I come from a family where people married through inter-mixing races (Caucasion/Puerto Rican, Asian, Guatemaluan, Ecuador,Black, Muslim etc.) so for me it has always been a positive experience that has been seen as something as not to judge someone by. Because of this it is easy for me to forget that others have not had these same experiences and that racism is certainly alive and well. I think that will be one of the hardest things for me as I enter the world of having an interracial nuclear family myself with the adoption of an African American child. While I will certainly do my part to keep positive influences for both my children, white and black, I must remember others might try to break this and protect them from the unkind words, looks etc. It is too bad we still have to defend our differences so much. I always said, while it is great that we are able to have a black president and move forward in that way with the likes of Obama, the real test of time will be when a black president is not a novelty and we can just be excited about the person and not the history being made from it (not a knock to Obama, just an observation of our society).

Barbie, just because you adopt a child doesn’t neccesarily mean you “save” it! Adopting a child does NOT make you a martyr. There are way more people trying to adopt from Alaska than there are babies available in Alaska, so it’s more like the baby is helping out the adoptive parent by giving them a child! Adopting is a wonderful way to expand your family, but it is no more heroic than any other way of becoming a parent.

Domestic adoption is often a long and difficult journey. It doesn’t have to be! Parent Match connects agencies from all over the country, you could be matched very quickly. Make sure your agency is connected!

I am very happy for her,and pray that she gets a baby,
but the biggest loser will
be the same.i love the she cares about people.we love you jillian.

thank you so much
Helen Dove.
po box.14083
Anderson S.C 29624

Jillian Michaels, I think you are an awesome person. I know you already know it matter not what people. Its your life do what makes you happy. You are a person that love and you want to share that love.God bless you with the best that life has to offer you. I wish one day I can meet you.Not because im overweight. Im not a big person. My wish is before I leave this earth I can meet you. Im believing in my heart that it will one day happen. My dream will come true and that is just one day with jillian. again god bless

I don’t know if this has been covered but Jillian never said having kids ruins your body. She said it would be a bad decision for HER health. She has endometriosis and PCOS, so that’s why she has to adopt. I don’t know if she is literally infertile or it would just be dangerous for her health. But that’s why she said that, she meant for her personally it’s a bad idea healthwise.

You have to be careful what you read in the media sometimes. Consider the source.

I also have those same conditions and she’s very inspiring. =) She proves you can have PCOS and not be overweight. I plan to adopt some day too if I can ever afford it.

The best way to learn to live with our limitations is to know them. –E. W. Dijkstra, The humble programmer